Dearest Sideballs~
Oh where to start? The night I first night I laid eyes on you, you took my breath away! I only wish I hadn't been surrounded by my friends so that I could have adequately portrayed my true feelings! Seeing you all laid out in all your glory like that was a sight that I will never be able to erase from my memory (no matter how hard I may try). If I could take back ever seeing you I would, if only for the reason that I wouldn't have to go through the painful longing...
Sorry we missed our chance. Perhaps at the next bachelorette party.
Longingly Yours~
MarenBoBarren
P.S. Out of love my dearest I think that someday soon you should see a doctor about your "situation"
Saturday, December 4, 2010
Wednesday, November 10, 2010
Pickle, Pickle, Who's Got the Pickle
Dear Pickle Man~
Oh my heart stopped the second I saw you. Down the block, stumbling in your white untied Sketchers. I knew instantly that I was hooked. However, I was nowhere near ready for the type of relationship you were clearly looking for. The moment we locked eyes as you were lumbering across the street in front of my car was one of the most chilling moments I've had in a while. Then there was the gesture of your love. You offered me your pickle. Literally. You held up your half eaten GIANT pickle and shook it at me in offering. That was when I knew I needed to move on. A man cannot buy my love with the promise of sharing half a pickle! I need at least a whole pickle!
As a drove away I wondered if I had just made a huge mistake. I still am wondering. Are you still out there pickle-man? Will you wait for me?
Hungrily Yours~
Oh my heart stopped the second I saw you. Down the block, stumbling in your white untied Sketchers. I knew instantly that I was hooked. However, I was nowhere near ready for the type of relationship you were clearly looking for. The moment we locked eyes as you were lumbering across the street in front of my car was one of the most chilling moments I've had in a while. Then there was the gesture of your love. You offered me your pickle. Literally. You held up your half eaten GIANT pickle and shook it at me in offering. That was when I knew I needed to move on. A man cannot buy my love with the promise of sharing half a pickle! I need at least a whole pickle!
As a drove away I wondered if I had just made a huge mistake. I still am wondering. Are you still out there pickle-man? Will you wait for me?
Hungrily Yours~
Thursday, November 4, 2010
Minty Fresh?
Dear Love Birds,
I just wanted to thank you for starting my morning off right the other day. I was walking through the parking lot at 8 am thinking to myself "man, I wish something would happen right now that would make my whole day completely awesome" when thankfully, you granted my wish. It truly was fate that brought me into your presence. I was heading in a straight line through the rows of cars, when two massive SUVs were parked so close together I had to veer around them in order to get past. This magical twist of fate is what lead me right past your car. Thankfully I just happened to look down into the car as I was passing and see you two in a passionate love embrace. Okay...so maybe Mr. Love Bird was stretched out in the front drivers seat while Ms. Love Bird was giving Little Mr. Love Bird some extra special attention. Either way...accidentally seeing someone start their boyfriend's morning off right was JUST what I needed at 8 in the morning. I am so glad you decided to do all this in the middle of a busy parking lot, in broad daylight, in a car that didn't even have tinted windows. Giving your boyfriend head in private would have just ruined all the fun. So thank you, Love Birds...you really made my day...you filled my heart with joy and my day with a never ending source of happiness....you put a spring in my step, and you really made me smile. And by smile, I mean puke in my mouth.
I hope to see you around campus sometime.
I'll be sure to bring a toothbrush
Love always,
AshHole
Second-Hand Love
Dear Smokey Smokerson,
Wow. You really took my breath away. Literally! When you go close to me after my PoliSci class night I just couldn't believe my luck! I know I made it look as though I was just waiting to talk to our professor, but really I was just waiting to see if there would a moment where we would cross paths. I hoped for a subtle brush on my arm. I didn't even know that by being close to you I would feel such a rush, that I would feel so...high! I don't want to discount it as some sort of temporary euphoria, when really, it was fate! Fate was telling me that you were the man of my dreams! The way you stared at me with those bloodshot eyes was more than a girl could ask for. It made my toes curl. After you I walked (somewhat briskly) away I felt the drain of missing you slowly start to hit. Maybe next week will be our moment! Although I must implore you, this time when I tell you to get your smoke infested breath away from me, just take that as a sign that I was being coy! I don't want to be too easy of a catch!
Oh and btw if next time you come in too close to me you feel a slight electric sensation, don't worry. That's just my taser doing it's job.
Kisses!
Maren
Wow. You really took my breath away. Literally! When you go close to me after my PoliSci class night I just couldn't believe my luck! I know I made it look as though I was just waiting to talk to our professor, but really I was just waiting to see if there would a moment where we would cross paths. I hoped for a subtle brush on my arm. I didn't even know that by being close to you I would feel such a rush, that I would feel so...high! I don't want to discount it as some sort of temporary euphoria, when really, it was fate! Fate was telling me that you were the man of my dreams! The way you stared at me with those bloodshot eyes was more than a girl could ask for. It made my toes curl. After you I walked (somewhat briskly) away I felt the drain of missing you slowly start to hit. Maybe next week will be our moment! Although I must implore you, this time when I tell you to get your smoke infested breath away from me, just take that as a sign that I was being coy! I don't want to be too easy of a catch!
Oh and btw if next time you come in too close to me you feel a slight electric sensation, don't worry. That's just my taser doing it's job.
Kisses!
Maren
Thursday, September 9, 2010
"Key to my.......heart?" 2: Electric Boogaloo!!!
Dear Creeper (insert that long ass number here)
Oh how I lept for joy when I realized that you were back in my life. The moment I got the page to come to the front to help a customer my heart stopped. Somehow I knew that this was the day that i would get a second chance at love! I feel as though I didn't represent myself well before! Of course you asking me, in front of your son, if my key went to anything mysterious shouldn't have been taken at all in a creepy way!! I realize that now. Which is why when you came back into my life I was ecstatic! I must admit that I was just being coy when I didn't seem to recognize you upon your obvious recognition of me. When you told me (in what I can only hope to be your bedroom voice) that you would always recognize me because of my key I was so happy!!! Yes!!! Finally a guy who would remember me for my on the the surface S&M tendencies!! I have to tell you that being that close to you again made my heart race! And while I led you to the book you were looking for, in the kids dept so I'm assuming it was for your son again, I could feel your loving gaze behind me. When I had to walk away from you for a second time in my life I was cursing myself! How could I just let myself walk away from what could be my last chance at true love!! Perhaps the 3rd time you come into my store I will have the courage to let your creepiness overtake me! Until then, my love, we will always have the Newberry Section.
Devotingly Yours.
Oh how I lept for joy when I realized that you were back in my life. The moment I got the page to come to the front to help a customer my heart stopped. Somehow I knew that this was the day that i would get a second chance at love! I feel as though I didn't represent myself well before! Of course you asking me, in front of your son, if my key went to anything mysterious shouldn't have been taken at all in a creepy way!! I realize that now. Which is why when you came back into my life I was ecstatic! I must admit that I was just being coy when I didn't seem to recognize you upon your obvious recognition of me. When you told me (in what I can only hope to be your bedroom voice) that you would always recognize me because of my key I was so happy!!! Yes!!! Finally a guy who would remember me for my on the the surface S&M tendencies!! I have to tell you that being that close to you again made my heart race! And while I led you to the book you were looking for, in the kids dept so I'm assuming it was for your son again, I could feel your loving gaze behind me. When I had to walk away from you for a second time in my life I was cursing myself! How could I just let myself walk away from what could be my last chance at true love!! Perhaps the 3rd time you come into my store I will have the courage to let your creepiness overtake me! Until then, my love, we will always have the Newberry Section.
Devotingly Yours.
Thursday, August 26, 2010
Sour Skittles
Dear Sax #1
This is the end. It will forever be the end. I have never known exactly how to put it into words the hurt that I always seem to feel when you are the focus of the room. How you have this personality that can make everybody you come in contact with feel like they are the most important person in your life. But now I know. Nobody is important to you. You only have surface friends. And while I completely understand the whole keeping people at arms length thing, at least those around me are aware of it. I don't go around making everyone feel like they are the most fucking special person in my life, only to dismiss them when it is inconvenient for them to be around. I always thought that I could easily be the type of person who could carry a friendship, assuming of course, that I actually really loved the friendship. And while I may still love the friendship we used to have, I fucking hate the nothing we have now. Which is interesting since it seems to be impossible to to hate something that no longer exists in this world. I did everything within reason, and many things out of reason. But it all ends here. The funny thing is I doubt you will ever even know that I wrote this. Never mind that it is public and everyone knows that I write a blog (one that is usually reserved for the crazy men I come in contact with). I don't know what hurts more. The fact that our friendship is over. Or the fact that I doubt you will even notice. At least not right away. It will take you months and then you will wonder why I stopped calling. And even then you will get distracted by something for a second and will forget about it for another few months. We always promised one another that we would be there for each other through thick and thin. Perhaps this is my fault, you always told me that you were horrible at keeping up friendships. But here is the clinch in that. In order for that to be a realistic excuse there can't be evidence that the opposite is true. In the beginning it was almost a challenge. See if I could keep up with keeping you as my best friend. Then whenever I saw you, you would remind me that I was your best friend. But that's it. I'm done. The chase and challenge is over.
In the end it isn't about being able to continue this anymore. It's about not wanting to.
Our friendship died the day the bracelet broke. I should have known then it was a sign.
If nothing else, at least this shit got me a high score on an essay for college.
This is the end. It will forever be the end. I have never known exactly how to put it into words the hurt that I always seem to feel when you are the focus of the room. How you have this personality that can make everybody you come in contact with feel like they are the most important person in your life. But now I know. Nobody is important to you. You only have surface friends. And while I completely understand the whole keeping people at arms length thing, at least those around me are aware of it. I don't go around making everyone feel like they are the most fucking special person in my life, only to dismiss them when it is inconvenient for them to be around. I always thought that I could easily be the type of person who could carry a friendship, assuming of course, that I actually really loved the friendship. And while I may still love the friendship we used to have, I fucking hate the nothing we have now. Which is interesting since it seems to be impossible to to hate something that no longer exists in this world. I did everything within reason, and many things out of reason. But it all ends here. The funny thing is I doubt you will ever even know that I wrote this. Never mind that it is public and everyone knows that I write a blog (one that is usually reserved for the crazy men I come in contact with). I don't know what hurts more. The fact that our friendship is over. Or the fact that I doubt you will even notice. At least not right away. It will take you months and then you will wonder why I stopped calling. And even then you will get distracted by something for a second and will forget about it for another few months. We always promised one another that we would be there for each other through thick and thin. Perhaps this is my fault, you always told me that you were horrible at keeping up friendships. But here is the clinch in that. In order for that to be a realistic excuse there can't be evidence that the opposite is true. In the beginning it was almost a challenge. See if I could keep up with keeping you as my best friend. Then whenever I saw you, you would remind me that I was your best friend. But that's it. I'm done. The chase and challenge is over.
In the end it isn't about being able to continue this anymore. It's about not wanting to.
Our friendship died the day the bracelet broke. I should have known then it was a sign.
If nothing else, at least this shit got me a high score on an essay for college.
Sunday, August 1, 2010
Killer Sutra
*Ash-Hole reporting in!*
Dear Book Worm,
How will I ever forget the fleeting encounter with the man who I'm sure would have been the love of my life, had you not come on quite as strong as you did and scared little innocent me away. I admit, standing around in the "Sexuality" section of Barnes and Noble with my lightweight drinking buddy, laughing at the extremely graphic pictures in a book titled something to the effect of "the best little sex book ever" was an extremely inappropriate place to be when you have a date with destiny. I can remember hearing you walk up to us, and looking up (or rather, down, you were pretty short) at you and thinking "Oh, I should probably stop talking about sex now." I must have appeared to be wavering in whether or not I should purchase the book I was holding-why else would you offer up so willingly your opinion that that book was in fact a very good book. I must have also appeared to be a little more willing to try out the extremely intricate sexual pose on the page we had been looking at when you first walked up to us. As thrilling as having sex with someone with him standing up against a wall, my legs wrapped around him while in a back bend with my hands on the floor may have sounded, the mood was immediately ruined when you started talking about how many years you had been practicing sex, and how good you were at it. Oh please don't take that the wrong way, what I meant was the mood was ruined because we were in a public place, and my friend was there, and I knew I couldn't have you and your short, chubby body right then. I knew I couldn't run your fingers through your hair up to your bald spot, and being teased like that just immediately put me in a bad mood. I promise, I was strongly considering taking you up on your thinly veiled offer to see how well practiced you were at the art of love making, but thankfully (and by that, I mean unfortunately), MarenBoBarren got on the loud speaker and paged me right at that very moment. I'm sorry if you found it rude that my lightweight drinking buddy and I hastily shoved the book back on the shelf and flat out ran away from you without so much as a goodbye. I was just overwhelmed with your manliness, I had to get away before I let my carnal instinct take over.
I'll see you in my dreams, hot stuff
Dear Book Worm,
How will I ever forget the fleeting encounter with the man who I'm sure would have been the love of my life, had you not come on quite as strong as you did and scared little innocent me away. I admit, standing around in the "Sexuality" section of Barnes and Noble with my lightweight drinking buddy, laughing at the extremely graphic pictures in a book titled something to the effect of "the best little sex book ever" was an extremely inappropriate place to be when you have a date with destiny. I can remember hearing you walk up to us, and looking up (or rather, down, you were pretty short) at you and thinking "Oh, I should probably stop talking about sex now." I must have appeared to be wavering in whether or not I should purchase the book I was holding-why else would you offer up so willingly your opinion that that book was in fact a very good book. I must have also appeared to be a little more willing to try out the extremely intricate sexual pose on the page we had been looking at when you first walked up to us. As thrilling as having sex with someone with him standing up against a wall, my legs wrapped around him while in a back bend with my hands on the floor may have sounded, the mood was immediately ruined when you started talking about how many years you had been practicing sex, and how good you were at it. Oh please don't take that the wrong way, what I meant was the mood was ruined because we were in a public place, and my friend was there, and I knew I couldn't have you and your short, chubby body right then. I knew I couldn't run your fingers through your hair up to your bald spot, and being teased like that just immediately put me in a bad mood. I promise, I was strongly considering taking you up on your thinly veiled offer to see how well practiced you were at the art of love making, but thankfully (and by that, I mean unfortunately), MarenBoBarren got on the loud speaker and paged me right at that very moment. I'm sorry if you found it rude that my lightweight drinking buddy and I hastily shoved the book back on the shelf and flat out ran away from you without so much as a goodbye. I was just overwhelmed with your manliness, I had to get away before I let my carnal instinct take over.
I'll see you in my dreams, hot stuff
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