Pickle, Pickle, Who's Got the Pickle

Dear Pickle Man~

Oh my heart stopped the second I saw you. Down the block, stumbling in your white untied Sketchers. I knew instantly that I was hooked. However, I was nowhere near ready for the type of relationship you were clearly looking for. The moment we locked eyes as you were lumbering across the street in front of my car was one of the most chilling moments I've had in a while. Then there was the gesture of your love. You offered me your pickle. Literally. You held up your half eaten GIANT pickle and shook it at me in offering. That was when I knew I needed to move on. A man cannot buy my love with the promise of sharing half a pickle! I need at least a whole pickle!

As a drove away I wondered if I had just made a huge mistake. I still am wondering. Are you still out there pickle-man? Will you wait for me?

Hungrily Yours~

Minty Fresh?

Dear Love Birds,

I just wanted to thank you for starting my morning off right the other day. I was walking through the parking lot at 8 am thinking to myself "man, I wish something would happen right now that would make my whole day completely awesome" when thankfully, you granted my wish. It truly was fate that brought me into your presence. I was heading in a straight line through the rows of cars, when two massive SUVs were parked so close together I had to veer around them in order to get past. This magical twist of fate is what lead me right past your car. Thankfully I just happened to look down into the car as I was passing and see you two in a passionate love embrace. Okay...so maybe Mr. Love Bird was stretched out in the front drivers seat while Ms. Love Bird was giving Little Mr. Love Bird some extra special attention. Either way...accidentally seeing someone start their boyfriend's morning off right was JUST what I needed at 8 in the morning. I am so glad you decided to do all this in the middle of a busy parking lot, in broad daylight, in a car that didn't even have tinted windows. Giving your boyfriend head in private would have just ruined all the fun. So thank you, Love Birds...you really made my day...you filled my heart with joy and my day with a never ending source of happiness....you put a spring in my step, and you really made me smile. And by smile, I mean puke in my mouth.

I hope to see you around campus sometime.

I'll be sure to bring a toothbrush

Love always,

AshHole

Second-Hand Love

Dear Smokey Smokerson,

Wow. You really took my breath away. Literally! When you go close to me after my PoliSci class night I just couldn't believe my luck! I know I made it look as though I was just waiting to talk to our professor, but really I was just waiting to see if there would a moment where we would cross paths. I hoped for a subtle brush on my arm. I didn't even know that by being close to you I would feel such a rush, that I would feel so...high! I don't want to discount it as some sort of temporary euphoria, when really, it was fate! Fate was telling me that you were the man of my dreams! The way you stared at me with those bloodshot eyes was more than a girl could ask for. It made my toes curl. After you I walked (somewhat briskly) away I felt the drain of missing you slowly start to hit. Maybe next week will be our moment! Although I must implore you, this time when I tell you to get your smoke infested breath away from me, just take that as a sign that I was being coy! I don't want to be too easy of a catch!

Oh and btw if next time you come in too close to me you feel a slight electric sensation, don't worry. That's just my taser doing it's job.

Kisses!

Maren