Sideballs

Dearest Sideballs~

Oh where to start? The night I first night I laid eyes on you, you took my breath away! I only wish I hadn't been surrounded by my friends so that I could have adequately portrayed my true feelings! Seeing you all laid out in all your glory like that was a sight that I will never be able to erase from my memory (no matter how hard I may try). If I could take back ever seeing you I would, if only for the reason that I wouldn't have to go through the painful longing...

Sorry we missed our chance. Perhaps at the next bachelorette party.


Longingly Yours~

MarenBoBarren

P.S. Out of love my dearest I think that someday soon you should see a doctor about your "situation"

Pickle, Pickle, Who's Got the Pickle

Dear Pickle Man~

Oh my heart stopped the second I saw you. Down the block, stumbling in your white untied Sketchers. I knew instantly that I was hooked. However, I was nowhere near ready for the type of relationship you were clearly looking for. The moment we locked eyes as you were lumbering across the street in front of my car was one of the most chilling moments I've had in a while. Then there was the gesture of your love. You offered me your pickle. Literally. You held up your half eaten GIANT pickle and shook it at me in offering. That was when I knew I needed to move on. A man cannot buy my love with the promise of sharing half a pickle! I need at least a whole pickle!

As a drove away I wondered if I had just made a huge mistake. I still am wondering. Are you still out there pickle-man? Will you wait for me?

Hungrily Yours~

Minty Fresh?

Dear Love Birds,

I just wanted to thank you for starting my morning off right the other day. I was walking through the parking lot at 8 am thinking to myself "man, I wish something would happen right now that would make my whole day completely awesome" when thankfully, you granted my wish. It truly was fate that brought me into your presence. I was heading in a straight line through the rows of cars, when two massive SUVs were parked so close together I had to veer around them in order to get past. This magical twist of fate is what lead me right past your car. Thankfully I just happened to look down into the car as I was passing and see you two in a passionate love embrace. Okay...so maybe Mr. Love Bird was stretched out in the front drivers seat while Ms. Love Bird was giving Little Mr. Love Bird some extra special attention. Either way...accidentally seeing someone start their boyfriend's morning off right was JUST what I needed at 8 in the morning. I am so glad you decided to do all this in the middle of a busy parking lot, in broad daylight, in a car that didn't even have tinted windows. Giving your boyfriend head in private would have just ruined all the fun. So thank you, Love Birds...you really made my day...you filled my heart with joy and my day with a never ending source of happiness....you put a spring in my step, and you really made me smile. And by smile, I mean puke in my mouth.

I hope to see you around campus sometime.

I'll be sure to bring a toothbrush

Love always,

AshHole

Second-Hand Love

Dear Smokey Smokerson,

Wow. You really took my breath away. Literally! When you go close to me after my PoliSci class night I just couldn't believe my luck! I know I made it look as though I was just waiting to talk to our professor, but really I was just waiting to see if there would a moment where we would cross paths. I hoped for a subtle brush on my arm. I didn't even know that by being close to you I would feel such a rush, that I would feel so...high! I don't want to discount it as some sort of temporary euphoria, when really, it was fate! Fate was telling me that you were the man of my dreams! The way you stared at me with those bloodshot eyes was more than a girl could ask for. It made my toes curl. After you I walked (somewhat briskly) away I felt the drain of missing you slowly start to hit. Maybe next week will be our moment! Although I must implore you, this time when I tell you to get your smoke infested breath away from me, just take that as a sign that I was being coy! I don't want to be too easy of a catch!

Oh and btw if next time you come in too close to me you feel a slight electric sensation, don't worry. That's just my taser doing it's job.

Kisses!

Maren

"Key to my.......heart?" 2: Electric Boogaloo!!!

Dear Creeper (insert that long ass number here)

Oh how I lept for joy when I realized that you were back in my life. The moment I got the page to come to the front to help a customer my heart stopped. Somehow I knew that this was the day that i would get a second chance at love! I feel as though I didn't represent myself well before! Of course you asking me, in front of your son, if my key went to anything mysterious shouldn't have been taken at all in a creepy way!! I realize that now. Which is why when you came back into my life I was ecstatic! I must admit that I was just being coy when I didn't seem to recognize you upon your obvious recognition of me. When you told me (in what I can only hope to be your bedroom voice) that you would always recognize me because of my key I was so happy!!! Yes!!! Finally a guy who would remember me for my on the the surface S&M tendencies!! I have to tell you that being that close to you again made my heart race! And while I led you to the book you were looking for, in the kids dept so I'm assuming it was for your son again, I could feel your loving gaze behind me. When I had to walk away from you for a second time in my life I was cursing myself! How could I just let myself walk away from what could be my last chance at true love!! Perhaps the 3rd time you come into my store I will have the courage to let your creepiness overtake me! Until then, my love, we will always have the Newberry Section.

Devotingly Yours.

Sour Skittles

Dear Sax #1

This is the end. It will forever be the end. I have never known exactly how to put it into words the hurt that I always seem to feel when you are the focus of the room. How you have this personality that can make everybody you come in contact with feel like they are the most important person in your life. But now I know. Nobody is important to you. You only have surface friends. And while I completely understand the whole keeping people at arms length thing, at least those around me are aware of it. I don't go around making everyone feel like they are the most fucking special person in my life, only to dismiss them when it is inconvenient for them to be around. I always thought that I could easily be the type of person who could carry a friendship, assuming of course, that I actually really loved the friendship. And while I may still love the friendship we used to have, I fucking hate the nothing we have now. Which is interesting since it seems to be impossible to to hate something that no longer exists in this world. I did everything within reason, and many things out of reason. But it all ends here. The funny thing is I doubt you will ever even know that I wrote this. Never mind that it is public and everyone knows that I write a blog (one that is usually reserved for the crazy men I come in contact with). I don't know what hurts more. The fact that our friendship is over. Or the fact that I doubt you will even notice. At least not right away. It will take you months and then you will wonder why I stopped calling. And even then you will get distracted by something for a second and will forget about it for another few months. We always promised one another that we would be there for each other through thick and thin. Perhaps this is my fault, you always told me that you were horrible at keeping up friendships. But here is the clinch in that. In order for that to be a realistic excuse there can't be evidence that the opposite is true. In the beginning it was almost a challenge. See if I could keep up with keeping you as my best friend. Then whenever I saw you, you would remind me that I was your best friend. But that's it. I'm done. The chase and challenge is over.

In the end it isn't about being able to continue this anymore. It's about not wanting to.

Our friendship died the day the bracelet broke. I should have known then it was a sign.

If nothing else, at least this shit got me a high score on an essay for college.

Killer Sutra

*Ash-Hole reporting in!*

Dear Book Worm,

How will I ever forget the fleeting encounter with the man who I'm sure would have been the love of my life, had you not come on quite as strong as you did and scared little innocent me away. I admit, standing around in the "Sexuality" section of Barnes and Noble with my lightweight drinking buddy, laughing at the extremely graphic pictures in a book titled something to the effect of "the best little sex book ever" was an extremely inappropriate place to be when you have a date with destiny. I can remember hearing you walk up to us, and looking up (or rather, down, you were pretty short) at you and thinking "Oh, I should probably stop talking about sex now." I must have appeared to be wavering in whether or not I should purchase the book I was holding-why else would you offer up so willingly your opinion that that book was in fact a very good book. I must have also appeared to be a little more willing to try out the extremely intricate sexual pose on the page we had been looking at when you first walked up to us. As thrilling as having sex with someone with him standing up against a wall, my legs wrapped around him while in a back bend with my hands on the floor may have sounded, the mood was immediately ruined when you started talking about how many years you had been practicing sex, and how good you were at it. Oh please don't take that the wrong way, what I meant was the mood was ruined because we were in a public place, and my friend was there, and I knew I couldn't have you and your short, chubby body right then. I knew I couldn't run your fingers through your hair up to your bald spot, and being teased like that just immediately put me in a bad mood. I promise, I was strongly considering taking you up on your thinly veiled offer to see how well practiced you were at the art of love making, but thankfully (and by that, I mean unfortunately), MarenBoBarren got on the loud speaker and paged me right at that very moment. I'm sorry if you found it rude that my lightweight drinking buddy and I hastily shoved the book back on the shelf and flat out ran away from you without so much as a goodbye. I was just overwhelmed with your manliness, I had to get away before I let my carnal instinct take over.

I'll see you in my dreams, hot stuff

Key to my.......heart?

Dear Creeper #2309852309853020

No. For the last time my key doesn't go to anything in particular. I must admit, I was already disturbed by your gaze as you walked up to my counter. Then I saw you had your 9 year old son accompanying you. I figured that you couldn't be that scary since you had you kid there watching your every move (clearly I should have remembered that uber creepy episode of Criminal Minds where a man had his son bring home women to be his "new mommy" that he ultimately raped in killed in their basement). When you asked me what my key went to I politely responded with my usual "Oh nothing. My mom gave it to me for my birthday" type response. When your follow up was "Oh...you mean it doesn't open anything more **INSERT SUPER CREEPY GAZE AND VOICE HERE** mysterious...?" I must admit I was frightened. Perhaps I should have been more clear when I said my MOTHER gave it to me. Clearly you think it is ok to ask a 21 year old cashier if they are into S&M right in front of your son. But, I must admit, it kind of put a damper on what could have been, I'm sure, a blossoming, loving and tender relationship. Perhaps I should have responded "oh it opens the chains in my trunk" very nonchalantly. Would that have been more your cup of tea? The loss is surely my own. Tears.

Yours in chains?

R.O.U.S.

Dear Opossum Lady,

I am unaware what you believe to be proper animal care technique. Or, however, what you feel is a proper animal to care for. But when you come into my store and ask me if we have a book on how to train an opossum, forgive my laughter, you should understand that this is not a common request. Perhaps part of the reason I was so thrown was because, upon arrival, you seemed like a perfectly normal young woman. Then when I discovered you weren't kidding I have to admit that I got a bit nervous. You seemed a bit incredulous that nobody would write a book on how to train and keep wild animals that seem to not contribute anything to society but an overall freak factor. So, again, I am sorry for laughing, but I didn't realize that you were a new breed of cat lady. The Opossum Lady.

Yours in Fear

Tower of Love

*Ash Hole reporting in :)*

Dear Lone Wolf-

Let me start by saying how truly glad I am that I was seated next to you on Tower of Terror.  I'll admit, I was a little concerned when I heard that you were riding the ride alone.  However, you turned out to be a decent conversationalist, and I quite enjoyed what you had to say, until you said "Sorry if I smack you in the face" once we sat down on the ride.  However, the near death experience that is the Hollywood Tower of Terror distracted me from that odd comment, and thankfully you did not, in fact, smack me in the face.  All was right with the world until we went down to the room where they show our pictures and I watched you zoom in your camera and take a picture of our section of the elevator, and then zoom in further to focus just on me.  I then proceeded to run out of the building as fast as I could into the huddled masses of the people dancing in Glow Fest.  I don't even really know how to process the events of that night, and even now, days later, I shudder at the thought that you now have a picture of my screaming face forever.

Forever yours, apparently

Scary Spice

Dear Dave #216

I appreciate you assuming that because I was sitting alone at Tandori with my book and iPod that I wanted to be interrupted. Clearly I was giving a "come interrupt my peaceful lunch you total stranger" vibe! How could I have not realized what I was doing? I mean my simple chick lit book must have led you to assume that all women love being hit on (badly) by guys they have never laid eyes upon before. You must have known that the entire 30 seconds you were rambling on to me I was screaming in my head "THIS IS IT!! I HAVE FOUND TRUE LOVE!!!" I must have scared you away when, in my pure joyous excitement, I told you I was already enjoying the story I was reading, and did not need another. Albeit your life story did seem far more amusing. However that was not the end of our trist! You spent a good part of your own meal staring at me (don't think I noticed your loving gaze). Not only that but you seemed somewhat unable to keep your own food going in your mouth. In fact, I feel I should tell you that a fork is meant to go in your mouth, not to repeatedly stab you in the face. Hmmm perhaps you were trying to recreate the sentiment put forth my Alan Rickman in Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves....but I should tell you that his threat was more about cutting Robin's heart out with a spoon. But, however, I'm sure you meant well!! I cannot fault you for what is, I'm sure, a completely esoteric movie reference. Who would appreciate those more than I? Although if your intent was to woo me with this I feel I should tell you I was more frightened for my life than anything else. Not a minute has gone by since I shoveled the last of my food in my mouth and ran out of there that I haven't thought about you. Unfortunately I doubt that the impression you wished to leave me with was one of utter horror and more one of love and adoration. Clearly this was a swing and a miss on my part. 3 strikes and I'm out on true love once again.

Forkingly Yours.

Coldstone for the warm heart :)

Dearest Scoop (as in ice-cream):

In a change from my typical letter to anonymous men in this blog, my letter to you takes on a much less sarcastical tone. Perhaps that is because all my pent up anger and misgivings from the day I unleashed earlier on Amburlence. Although, perhaps, I should back up. The day was not, in it's entirety, a piece of shite. In fact that most important part of my day was also the most magical. My loverly cousin and I (as well as our parentals) went on a shopping trip for her wedding dress! And, as luck would have it, she found the perfect one!! And on her birthday no less! Anyway how does this all pertain to you you may ask? Well the lunch and wedding dress shopping was definitely the highlight of my day. Less fantastical was the realization that the mirrors at David's Bridal made me look about 300lbs. Also was the waking up at 830 to spend the morning moving furniture. And onto the fact that the floor guys didn't bother showing up today making all my effort in moving USELESS in that they wont be here until tomorrow. Extra shite. This all culminating in my general upset attitude towards so many other things in my life made for a pretty shit day that had happier elements. As I said before wedding dress shopping was the best part of my last few weeks! And I'm so happy to have been there with my best friend as she picked out the perfect dress. Back to you. Since my day was pretty shit I decided to relax by spending an hour and a half in the hot tub. After said excursion I decided to wander over to Coldstone Creamery. My hair was wet. I had absolutely no makeup on. When you asked me how my day was I just mumbled something about it being long and tiring. But your up attitude and genuine interest in my life was uplifting! Quickly I realized that your intentions were more flirtatious than I had initially realized. Given my crap day I was more than eager to reciprocate. So I wrote you this extremely long homage of a non-sarcastic love letter. Which, in fact, is very out of character for me. But it just shows how much your 10 minutes of flirting in my life really made my day. And really made me feel like I was worth something other than a shoulder to cry on, and a set of arms used too often to move shit for people that (other than one select person) fail to really give an overall shit. So thank you Mr. Scoop :)

Gotta Have It :D

Irish in disguise??

**this just in from guest correspondent Ash Hole**


Dear Scary Foreign Man,

I'm not sure what the customs are in whatever country you were spawned in, but here in America it is generally frowned upon for a man to strike up a conversation and openly hit on a girl on a train who is clearly half your age.   However, your recognition of the quintessential American college student's opening line of "What's your major" was incredibly well placed (although the conversation that followed ended up being highly regrettable considering the fact that you are insane).   My first hint that I should never have started talking to you was when you asked for my age, and I told you the truth, and you continued to flirt with me even though you were clearly twice my age. Your knowledge of the custom of the Claddagh Rings (although you most definitely were not Irish) came as quite a shock to me, the scared college girl who was trying desperately to get you to leave her alone by telling you that she was in a relationship, when her ring was clearly facing in the wrong direction for that to be true.  After seeing your anger at my blatant lie flash across your face as you pointed out that my ring was facing in the wrong direction, I must admit it was a relief when you went back to telling me how beautiful and interesting I was, and asking if you could perhaps call me sometime.  However, nothing could match the relief I felt when my stop came and I was able to run out of the train, into the safety of my car.  For the safety of myself, and all other young college girls who ride that train to and from school, I sincerely hope that following that train ride you were promptly run over by a bus, and your remains scattered by a pack of rabid coyotes.  

Much love

Strangers on a Train

**brought to you by our lovely guest correspondent Ash Hole**

Dear Slime Boy:

I'm very sorry for not responding to you the first time you tried to say hello to me on the train.  Looking back on it, a very large, unkempt man waving frantically in my direction should have caught my attention in a good way, a way in which true love would instantly form between us.  It was so rude of me to continue looking at my phone, rather than acknowledge your existence.  I'm sorry it took until the next stop for me to finally get the hint that your flattering (not to mention very cool and suave) wave was intended for me.  And when I quickly waved back and immediately looked back down, I can see how you might think that I was being coy and shy, while secretly planning our vacation wedding and our children's names in my head.  I can see, then, why you thought I would have been disappointed when my stop came and I had to get off the train without meeting the future love of my life.

I am so very glad, then, that you decided to wait at my stop a few weeks later, and rush right up to talk to me in the pouring rain.  Looking back, it should have been the perfect moment for our eyes to meet, and our true love vows to be spoken...just like in "The Notebook."  Given the all too perfect set up, and the fact that you had waited around just to talk to me, I can see why you wouldn't believe that i really meant "No" when you asked me out that day.  Who was I to deny our fate? Who was I to deny true love.

But wait!  As luck would have it, as I was sitting on the train a few weeks later, I got another shot at true love.  As I saw you sit down directly across from me, I'll admit my heart stopped.  The look of shock and fear on my face was clearly not, as I had originally thought, stemming from my fear of imminent death, but really it was fear of the unknown-fear of the shot at true love that had come so suddenly into my personal space.  You asked me out again, and again I said no.  Why...WHY did I do that?  Now you are probably busy stalking another young girl on the train, and now every time I board that train my stomach will drop and my heart will stop-not out of fear of being stalked, killed, or raped by you, but at fear of having lost my one true love.  My slime boy.

Forever Longing for Your Embrace.

Taylor the Latte Boy

Dear Taylor

Unlike your counterpart in a Kristen Chenowyth song you seemed seemed less interesting in providing me with my delicious soy latte and more interested whatever your girlfriend was sexting you. In opposition with what you might imagine I am uninterested in seeing the look on your face when you receive, what I can only assume, to be a particularly racy text from your girlfriend (or boyfriend? I'm not one to judge!! Although here's hoping the gay community doesn't suffer your admittance into their numbers). I am, however, completely interested in the fact that you do not over-steam my soymilk so that it gets to a boiling 210 degrees!! You may have heard that a girl loves to have her tongue burned off as foreplay but I can say that I did not appreciate the sentiment. Personally, I love having full use of all my extremities. Now this could be forgiven if it were merely a first offense. However, last time I had frequented your Starbucks you were far too distracted by the blonde in the NOT-shirt that you gave me 2% instead of soy! You think I can't tell but I can!! I may have thought you were cute the first time I saw you with your smouldering eyes and your 6'4 frame but, alas, lack of brains can do nothing for me except ruin, what should be, a somewhat religious coffee experience.

Burningly Yours.

Always nice to know the people that are looking out for you

Dear Eco-Chode #14

Ok, I will admit, you were right when you looked at me talking on my cell phone while I was driving and gave me an incredulous look. You even went so far to tear your eyes away from the road to stare me down and shake your finger at me. I'm surprised you took your focus off your own driving long enough to admonish my own. Little did you know that I was talking to my fair cousin about how much I had fallen instantly and madly into a state of indifference. Furthermore, I feel the deep seeded need to tell you that your finger-waving efforts may have been taken more seriously had you not been one of the top gas guzzling cars our fair country has to offer.

Hugs and Kisses.

Dude, I'm not Spain and you can't stick your flag in me!

**this one is my newest old one from my old blog, it's actual date is May twenty-ninth**

Dear Joe #347

I'm sorry if you believe me to be a bitch now. I can see how me saying you were about 4 years and 6 inches too short for me warranted such behavior. You must be thinking it's because I'm some crazy uber bitch, but really I just feared the intimate love that you and I could have had. Clearly you must know that I don't deem myself worthy of affection such as yours. It is, as you said, "my effing loss!" For that, I'm severely and eternally disappointed. I will now express my sadness by swearing off all men and going to live in the mountains to pine for you forever.

Eternally Yours.